Sleeping With the devil.

I use to think that allowing a guy to sleep with me meant that he cared for me. Young and naive, right? Indeed I was.

I thought about ways on how to write this topic. I would always stop because it’s a personal topic that I never want to get into, however I have finally gained the courage to write about this. I wrote a post about how I use to face self esteem and insecurity issues in my past. To read this post, click here. Now, lets begin with the fun! Not really.

I was one of those people that remained abstinent and wanted to lose my virginity whenever I got married. However, I lost it at the age of 19 because I was manipulated by someone I thought I would spend my life with. It was my first serious relationship for four years, however he constantly cheated on me. I ended it because I knew that I deserved better.

Learn to love from a distance. Someone may love you, but that does not mean that they are supposed to be with you or are meant for you.

The main reason as to why I was able to remain abstinent at such a late age was because everything was about sex. I was always pressured into losing it and the whole “everybody’s doing it” thing was not for me. I want a guy to love me for who I am and not what is hidden downstairs. For years guys would reel me in, use me, then throw me back into the water as if I were nothing to them. I felt lonely and bitter. I did not have my first date until I was 20. Even when I went out on dates, guys would use that as an advantage to get something in return.  I grew sick and tired, so I remained celibate for a few months leading into earlier this year. However, my second serious relationship changed all of that. I met my best friend and mate all in one. However, this relationship only lasted for eight months. One thing that pains me the most is the fact that even when he broke it off, he only saw me or kept in contact whenever he felt horny. You don’t want to be with me, but you feel as if you should still use me for sex? What planet do I live on?! I have never loved a human being as much as I loved this guy, and to see that side of him really woke me up. I can honestly say I have learned a lot from my experiences.

I felt dead. I lost who I was and my life was a wreck. I remember staying in bed and crying for a week. I did not go anywhere and I could not eat or sleep. Although I am doing much better, I am still fighting back tears til this day. I am going through the healing process and I had no idea it would be this hard. I was so used to bouncing back quickly and moving on to the next guy. Honestly, at this moment in my life I do not feel the need to be in a relationship or date anyone.

I learned to spend time with myself and I have seriously vowed celibacy. When I told this to people they had not taken me seriously and asked me why. They also asked me who am I doing this for? I simply told them I am doing this for myself and because I just do not see the point in selling myself to every guy that I meet. I don’t have to sleep with anyone, I learned to say no. I have sex issues, it disgusts me. One guy drugged me in order to sleep with me. Other guys tricked me into thinking they were interested in me. A lot of them told me that they need to sleep with me first in order to see if we would be a great match. (I did not sleep with them, I was not that dumb.) All of that disgusted me and I do not tell anyone, but I see sex as an enemy. I have cried sometimes while having sex, but I would quickly wipe my eyes and pretend that I was enjoying it.

I don’t need to please anyone and God did not place me on this planet to please ANY human. I am building my relationship with God. Recently, I stopped someone before anything sexually happened. I was crying and he asked me what was wrong. After I explained to him everything, he understood and respected the fact that I said no. Of course he wasn’t too pleased, but he gave me this advice, “You have the power to say no and to control everything. Never allow a guy to take an advantage of you.”

It shames me to think that I was naive and that I had gone through those experiences. I want to be able to love someone first and for them to show that in return before I decide to be in bed with them. I want a husband and a family. I can’t cry about not finding love if I am finding love in all the wrong places. Love is not the equivalent to sex. There are times where I would cry because of how lonely I feel, but I take all of that to God and then wipe my tears away. I will be fine, I cannot focus on finding my soul-mate. I need to allow love to find me whenever I least expect it. I also learned that I must first seek a relationship with God.

It’s all in God’s hands, and I refuse to sleep with the devil.

I want to also say this to those who think that they need to sleep with a guy or girl in order to impress them. If that person really liked you, they would not care for what goes on in between those sheets. You could be the best love maker, the sexiest person in the world, cook for them, shower them with gifts, but to them you will never be good enough! Stop selling yourself to the devil. You are worth more than that. Try making love mentally and emotionally. Take a pause on the physical and only give that to the person you are supposed to be with until death do you guys apart! A relationship is not all about sex, and I believe it is important but should not be the main focus in your relationship.

Learn to say no, it’s not hard. If he does not listen the first time, say it over an over until he gets the message. I use to want to carry pepper spray with me because it came to a point when someone did not want to listen to the word no and get pushing it. If God was not with me that night, I don’t even want to imagine what could have happened.

When you sleep with snakes, you are bound to get poisoned.


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