A human being is not perfect. People waste their energy creating a life that is artificial. They put on a show for everyone to fit in that “perfect life” category. To the world I may seem like my life is a all sunshine with rainbows and roses. I refuse to fall into that category. I am someone who have repeatedly been slapped in the face from life. I have suffered from depression and anxiety. I have been a victim of abuse and neglect. I have had a past with drugs and abused them because I was suicidal. There were times when I wasn’t positive at all. I felt lonely and unloved. I was molded into the person that I am today and there are stories behind my smile.
A thousand reasons to cry, but that would mean I am losing. Giving up faith is something I will never have the audacity to do.
I have been having the worst
week year of my life. Month after month I have cried and stressed about everything in my life. I am not one to complain, and I never allow my smile to leave my face. There are times when I would block out my problems and focus on the positive things in my life. Although there are very little to smile about, I never stop smiling. Even the little things can make my day.
I have always had problems with my family. Although I said I will get into my personal life, I choose not to. There are things that I cannot air out and must be kept. I envy the people who complain about their family. They have nothing to worry about. I don’t have a real family. We’re all like strangers who live under one roof. My family outside of this home are like ghosts, except for my grandma and aunt. I don’t think I would be able to make it throughout life without them.
I have had my heart broken and lost myself not too long ago. It’s hard to imagine that someone could care about you, but completely disappear out of the blue. The only time I am inane are whenever I fall in & out of love. I am still in the healing process, and in all honesty I am not interested in meeting anyone new. Sometimes I find myself tracing back the memories. I have every reason to hate him, but I can’t seem to hate anyone that I truly loved.
To add on the chaos, this year is when I found out about my disease. Last week I went to a different doctor, and while she examined my thyroid she also checked my nose and mouth. I can’t remember one of the things she said I have, I was a busy crying about the cyst found I the back of my mouth. As she tried to take a blood sample, the pain from the needle traumatized me. It was like stabbing my gums with a knife. All I remember was screaming and crying for a very long time. The cyst started to bleed and it became swollen. It’s been almost a week, and I am still feeling the pain from that needle. To sum it up, the doctor said it’s oral cancer. However, they would have completely numb it to do samples. My guess is that this formed after I had my crown filled in years ago. I ignored the pain from the cyst because I knew I did not have insurance and I hoped it would go away. So, not only do I have to worry about having cysts inside of my chest, thyroid disease, and a bunch of other issues with my body but now I have to take care of this…. With no insurance. The doctor told me that it will cost me thousands for everything and she is really concerned about my health, because it’s terrible. I have fought so hard to have insurance again and I am praying that a miracle will happen.
I am raising myself with little to no money. I work so that I can take care of myself. My parents stopped taking care of me around the age of 16, maybe younger. They use to help me around that time but completely stopped. I learned how to become an adult before I turned 18. I live with my parents, but I support myself. I think it’s great that I learned how to become independent, but there are times when I wished I had someone that cared. I am really sensitive about this topic, so I will just leave it at that.
I am enrolled in medical school, however since I graduated from high school I have had financial problems with paying for my tuition. Being an immigrant is tough in this country. Everything is out of the pocket. No grants and loans. My mother tries to help me, and I am grateful that she finally see how serious I am whenever it comes to education. Speaking of my mother, I am also grateful that she is still around. I almost lost her three years ago. Aside from this year, that was the toughest year of my life. Raising my family while attending school was an experience I never want to go through.
I have lost a lot of people in my life. There are times when I would not talk to anyone for a week or a few days. I have no choice but to become my own best friend because being lonely is not an option. I have a best friend and a few other friends that I talk to from time to time. However, my best friend lives far now so our communication gets tough sometimes.
I could go on for years with what I experience on a daily basis. My life is unbelievable. Although I have plenty to complain about, I choose to take my problems instead of my complaints to God. I have learned how to truly value the time I have spent with myself and I love the time I spend with God. If it were not for him, I honestly believe I would be in a coffin. He have a plan for me that I do not quite understand yet. I just know that I am on this planet for a reason and I will enjoy every moment. I have learned and grown a lot. I may be young, but it amaze me how mature my mentality is. It is a challenge to remain sane, but it will get better some day.