It’s not as easy as I make it seem and it’s worse than what I make it sound like. I avoid writing about my chronic illness and try to focus on other subjects, however writing it out is therapeutic.
The moment I woke up, I just knew that today will be one of the down days. I felt air headed and cranky. The slightest noise killed my eardrums and my head. I am always suffering from joint pains, but for the first time my back was killing me! Each time I attempted to get up, it was as if my body was telling me, “Yeah right, stay glued to this bed.” I literally felt glued!
I then had a panic attack that caused me to be short of breath. One of my friends came over and I felt bad because I know that she wanted me to hang out with her. The moment she asked me to go somewhere with her and do something that involved me standing up and using my brain, I wanted to break down.
It was bad enough that I forgot her name several times. Every time she spoke to me, I spaced out. Forcing myself to concentrate makes me really tired, so I wanted to sleep. I did however walk away from her to watch tv. She doesn’t understand how hard it is for me. I just wanted to cry all day, but I sucked it up. I watched tv for hours. Well, it was more like staring at the tv for hours because I really did not understand anything I watched and I forgot every sentence that was said one after the other.
My right knee have been in pain as well. Not too long ago, the bone in my thigh dislocated to the right. It occurs randomly and I yelled out in pain while crying. A minute after, I heard and felt it pop right back in. I know what you are saying, how is this possible? I wish I understood myself.
My boyfriend always know what to say to make me feel better and I appreciate how patient and understanding he is with me. It’s not easy for anyone to deal with my symptoms. Almost everyone no longer wants to deal with me. Although he was being supportive and sweet a few hours ago, I was still in zombie mode. I couldn’t seem to find any kind of feelings. Don’t get me wrong, on a normal day this does not happen. It’s not him, it’s me. Even when he kept saying he love me, my heart didn’t skip a beat like it normally does. I felt depressed about this and I don’t expect anyone to understand. Again, it have nothing to do with him. Our relationship is healthy. He knows how to handle these moments, so he does not worry.
Days like this I feel like giving up. It makes me feel like a zombie and question what happened to me? But, I know this is just one of those days…