I’m saddened by the decision I have made recently, but it’s for the best. I know that with faith, everything will turn out for the best. Not everything works out for you, and I expect better things in store for me.
My illness really affects my life. It’s not easy, but I’m a
fighter warrior. This journey have taught me a lot about people, including myself. I learned to listen to my body and I am still being molded into who I am made to be. I’ve had thoughts about taking a break so that I can work on my health, but I am always pushing myself. I never give up even when I am crying from the chronic pain or passed out. After realizing the stress from my job have made me even more ill, I decided it’s not the best environment for me. Originally I wanted to resign after I found something better until recently my symptoms attacked me all at once. Since last week I have been dealing with chronic pain to the point where it not only feels like I’ve been hit by a train but it feels like my body have been lit by fire. It’s not just one area this time, it’s my whole body.
Also, I started losing who I am. My brain fogs are the worst. My memory is terrible. I also cannot deal with the mood swings. Naturally I am a bubbly person, but it’s hard keeping a smile on my face when I’m in deep depression one minute, then I am back to being bubbly the next. I would cry out of the blue or simply cry from the stress from my life. Stress triggers this illness, therefore the more I stress, the more my symptoms will worsen. I never have the time to rest or enjoy myself. I have been losing weight as well. This is the smallest I have been in my entire life. I often wake up with anxiety. I wake up in the middle of the night from sleep apnea, air being cut off during my sleep. A few weeks ago, I freaked out because I thought I had a brain tumor. For a whole week I dealt with feeling dizzy. It’s unexplainable, however I felt light headed. I could not function at all.
I’m also in a relationship with someone that I love. Unlike my last relationship, I am trying hard to not ruin this one. There are times that I am angry or depressed for no reason. I would run to him for comfort because it’s really scary dealing with this alone, however I wouldn’t know how to express myself without taking it out on him. One of the things I despise and never want to do is take my personal problems out on anyone. I am very loving, so it hurts when I am taking my problems out on him. It’s not myself, I am not myself when I allow my emotions to get the best of me. I simply want to make him smile and show him love. I know it’s scary, I don’t expect him to fully understand. However, just like everyone else I only want to be shown love.
The stress that I have been dealing with, I won’t go into it. I just know that pain is temporary. I’m strong, I will get through this. With that being said, I am taking time off to work on getting better. I will still blog, don’t worry. Earlier this year, I was forced to rest when my body shut down on me unexpectedly. I was pushing myself and ignored the signs that I cannot push myself past a certain point. I was on best rest for two months straight. I eventually felt much better. Last year, I ended up in the hospital because of that same reason. I need to remember that I am a spoonie and I am limited from doing what normal people are able to do. I don’t expect anyone to understand, but I am blessed to have an amazing support team. I am doing this for myself because I need to get better.
If you haven’t read about the spoonie theory to better understand why those of us with a chronic illness or a disease are limited from doing what normal people are able to do, read the story here.
Keep the faith alive and never stop fighting.
– Cryssie ❤