Where Have the Spoons Gone?

I’m saddened by the decision I have made recently, but it’s for the best. I know that with faith, everything will turn out for the best. Not everything works out for you, and I expect better things in store for me.

My illness really affects my life. It’s not easy, but I’m a fighter warrior. This journey have taught me a lot about people, including myself. I learned to listen to my body and I am still being molded into who I am made to be. I’ve had thoughts about taking a break so that I can work on my health, but I am always pushing myself. I never give up even when I am crying from the chronic pain or passed out. After realizing the stress from my job have made me even more ill, I decided it’s not the best environment for me. Originally I wanted to resign after I found something better until recently my symptoms attacked me all at once. Since last week I have been dealing with chronic pain to the point where it not only feels like I’ve been hit by a train but it feels like my body have been lit by fire. It’s not just one area this time, it’s my whole body.

Also, I started losing who I am. My brain fogs are the worst. My memory is terrible. I also cannot deal with the mood swings. Naturally I am a bubbly person, but it’s hard keeping a smile on my face when I’m in deep depression one minute, then I am back to being bubbly the next. I would cry out of the blue or simply cry from the stress from my life. Stress triggers this illness, therefore the more I stress, the more my symptoms will worsen. I never have the time to rest or enjoy myself. I have been losing weight as well. This is the smallest I have been in my entire life. I often wake up with anxiety. I wake up in the middle of the night from sleep apnea, air being cut off during my sleep. A few weeks ago, I freaked out because I thought I had a brain tumor. For a whole week I dealt with feeling dizzy. It’s unexplainable, however I felt light headed. I could not function at all.

I’m also in a relationship with someone that I love. Unlike my last relationship, I am trying hard to not ruin this one. There are times that I am angry or depressed for no reason. I would run to him for comfort because it’s really scary dealing with this alone, however I wouldn’t know how to express myself without taking it out on him. One of the things I despise and never want to do is take my personal problems out on anyone. I am very loving, so it hurts when I am taking my problems out on him. It’s not myself, I am not myself when I allow my emotions to get the best of me. I simply want to make him smile and show him love. I know it’s scary, I don’t expect him to fully understand. However, just like everyone else I only want to be shown love.

The stress that I have been dealing with, I won’t go into it. I just know that pain is temporary. I’m strong, I will get through this. With that being said, I am taking time off to work on getting better. I will still blog, don’t worry. Earlier this year, I was forced to rest when my body shut down on me unexpectedly. I was pushing myself and ignored the signs that I cannot push myself past a certain point. I was on best rest for two months straight. I eventually felt much better. Last year, I ended up in the hospital because of that same reason. I need to remember that I am a spoonie and I am limited from doing what normal people are able to do. I don’t expect anyone to understand, but I am blessed to have an amazing support team. I am doing this for myself because I need to get better.

If you haven’t read about the spoonie theory to better understand why those of us with a chronic illness or a disease are limited from doing what normal people are able to do, read the story here.

Keep the faith alive and never stop fighting.

– Cryssie ❤

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3 thoughts on “Where Have the Spoons Gone?

    1. Thank you so much. It’s the only thing we can do. We have our good days and our bad days but we just can’t allow this to get the best of us. The fight is with the enemy, not ourselves. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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