I find love in hopeless places with hopeless men with no hopes or desires of wanting a relationship simply because they do not know what they want. I have written posts about my past relationships and for some odd reason, I came to this conclusion. I am in the same relationships over and over again. The same old stories, just different characters. I would cry and blame myself. I would tell myself maybe it’s just me. I no longer get told the classic breakup line, “It’s not you, it’s me.” I now get told, “You’re smart, caring, beautiful, and amazing, but…” That but indicates it’s time to close that door because no matter how amazing or how much of a great girlfriend I am, I will never be good enough to them. I came to a conclusion a long time ago that if something does not work out, they are not my Adam. He’s still sleeping and there’s still hope.
I can cry and think of ways to fix my relationship, but God wanted to end this a long time ago when I was too blinded to read the signs. As a result of that, he closed those doors for me. I thank him every time. I can think it’s the end of the world and become bitter, but that’s not me. There’s something within me that does not give up and will keep the faith alive. I may not understand why, but I just know through all this pain it will be worth it in the long run.
How can you be upset if your relationship or marriage has failed when God did not tell you to be in it in the first place?
My past have made me a stronger woman and I do believe I am a stronger woman than who I was 3 years ago. With that being said, I’ve cried, I still have nightmares, I still feel a tug on my heart from time to time, but pain is only temporary. I never look for love, I stopped doing that after my four year relationship ended 3 years ago. I always allow it to find me, however I have to keep in mind that the devil is the busiest when he sees that I am happy. So he will throw randoms into my life. The reason behind why I am so strong and the way that I am today have a lot to do with that relationship that ended 3 years ago. You see, I fell madly in love with a guy. He was my high-school sweetheart. Although we were on and off for four years, we were inseparable. The first time he broke up with me, he disappeared. I was left alone and confused. This was in 2008 and the very first time that I attempted suicide. It was also the very first time that I became addicted to drugs.
I remember laying in my bed for days with no food in my system. If I was not knocked out from an overdose, I was screaming and crying in my sleep. I started sleep walking for the very first time within those four years. He would enter my life and walk out with my heart as if I didn’t matter. In 2011, I decided to walk away after he cheated on me. This was not love, or at least I was the only one that was in love. I deserved better and I was really young. This is when I learned how to love from a distance.
Just to keep this crystal clear, that breakup was not the main reason as to why I practiced self harm. Like I said, my past have made me the woman that I am today. I will save that story for another time. My experiences are always lessons that are learned. I don’t regret any of it. I write about my experiences because I know there are people out there that go through the same thing. I just want to assure you guys that you have no other choice but to stay strong. I know it’s easier said than done. Cry it all out, but then wipe your tears and keep your head up. Better things are coming.
Keep the faith alive.
– Cryssie ❤