What if I tell you this is only seasonal? Those silent cries for help as you fill your pillow with salty tears, that slight lost of hope as you go through one of your toughest battles, that love that you long for but are desperate to find it among any soul that touches your skin. As we watch the leaves fall and feel the warmth turn to cold on our skin, we too go through these seasonal changes with ourselves. I often have to remind myself that the battle should never be with myself, it’s with the enemy. Always practice self love daily because it gets better. Cliche however, I am living proof of a beautiful disaster.
What if I write what I have been too afraid to share with everyone else?
The young woman that you always see with a smile on her face came a long way. I am still going through battles that I wish to not share simply because I know it only gets better. You see, as a child I was a victim of abuse. When I would cry for help, others would assume I am over-exaggerating. It took years after I would go to school with a swollen purple eye and scars on my body for some people to believe me. I’ve been raised in the air and dropped on my head. I’ve had knives thrown at me, I’ve had my head smashed on walls, thrown across the room, beaten with any object except for a belt. I was told this was the way that you punish children in the islands. I wished all I had were a belt. I won’t go further into what I dealt with because I somehow erased the trauma from my past and it’s something I do not wish to remember. However, one thing I will never forget is being told I was a mistake and that I should never be here. I was told this almost every day for 18 years.
So what if I told you that lead to self harm and depression? I cannot count the times that I attempted suicide. In my late teens, I was addicted to drugs. Some days I would lay in bed and I would feel numb. It was a feeling that freed me from everything and anyone. Not only I had issues within my family, I was bullied in school. I’ve written posts about how I were bullied, but I don’t mind writing it for those who haven’t read them. Kids, even adults would say that I am too skinny, my nose and my lips are too big, kids would always stick objects in my hair including gum because I have long hair and they would call it horse hair. My mother told me a story about when I was an infant, a woman walked up to my mother and told her to throw me away because I looked like an alien. I was told that no one would ever find me attractive because of the way that I looked.
I have met so many people with similar stories like mine and I’ve actually became best friends with some of them. To those who are dealing with anything similar, you are not alone. I’ve been there. Don’t allow anyone make you feel less than who you were made to be. We all have a purpose, it took me 20 years to stick that in my mind.
If I continue to tell you about my past, would you believe the reason behind my smile? Growing up, although I was a victim of abuse my parents would spoil my younger siblings. They receive anything they desire. I always worked for anything I wanted. I was told it’s because I am a woman and it’s a part of our culture. To this day, I do not regret being raised this way because it made me the woman that I am today. I know what it’s like to have everything then suddenly lose it all in just a blink of an eye. It definitely humbled me and I do not wish to have anything handed to me easily. I enjoy being rewarded for my hard work.
Let me explain. My family owned several houses and a business. My parents worked hard day and night to make sure that we would not have to struggle one day like they did. As the years went by, my mother lost her job. Shortly after, she almost lost her life due to an illness. She fought until she became better. My parents lost all of the houses they owned, and one of the houses that we used to live in was under foreclosure. We moved into 3 different houses since then and this was in just two years. During that time, the company my dad worked for went out of business. The only thing we had left was the business they owned. You’d think we would have it all, but that’s when we went through a downward spiral. I remember living months without electricity and water. I would eat at my other family and friends’ houses. Being the oldest child, I had to make sure my siblings were fed before I could eat.
Eventually, everything got better. I am a strong believer of Christ. To this day I constantly pray about my family more than myself. I spent a lot of time building a relationship with God and going to church. If it also wasn’t for my aunt and grandma, I don’t know what I would do without them. Although I had many reasons to cry, I had more reasons to smile.
I am the woman that craves love. In my younger twenties, I confused love for lust. I allowed men to use me. I would believe the lies they told me in exchange for meaningless sex. The only one hurting was myself. The only one that was in love was myself. My first date was at the age of 21 and I learned that some guys will give you everything just so that he too can run his fingers down your pants. I’ve been broken and hurt one too many times. I learned to better my self respect. I also learned to love myself.
What if I told you that’s just bits and pieces of my past? Most of the trauma were completely erased from my memory. Although I have gone through a lot, it wasn’t until I was diagnosed in May 2013 of Hashimotos thyroiditis as well as hypothyroidism. I’ve learned and grew a lot since then. I learned who loved me unconditionally and those that are worth me breaking an arm and leg for. I learned to love and take better care of myself. I am too busy working on myself and getting better. I only surround myself around positive energy. I smile more than I cry. Staying strong is the only option. I admit, there are days where I cry my eyes out and I use to question why me? I would wonder why good people suffer, but that’s only questioning my faith. I have to have faith and believe it only gets better.
And what if I told you that this battle is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with, so there is nothing that can break me down. I still battle depression, but I don’t walk around with a negative spirit. I’m the woman that will always love no matter what and smile through the pain. I stopped telling my story years ago, but something told me that I should. For those that get told you’re not good enough, for those that believe you’re alone, for those with scars that tell a story, for everyone. Stand in front of your mirror and tell that man/woman that pain is only temporary. Even the roses that are beaten by the rain blossom. You have to believe in yourself and fight this. Never assume you are battling with yourself, you have to tell that man/woman in the mirror that you love them. Yes, I am imperfect but I am one of the strongest women I know. Yes, I am thin. I have full lips and a wide nose, but that does not mean I am not beautiful. In a world that makes you feel like there’s a certain image you have to look in order to be beautiful, I accept the fact that I will just have to love my kind of beauty. I am uniquely molded into someone that I am still trying to figure out. It’s tough to accept who you are at first. However, you have to block all of those negative comments and allow them to go in one ear and out the other.
IT GETS BETTER. KEEP THE FAITH ALIVE.
– Cryssie ❤